How Can I Find Friends for My Middle Grades Homeschooler?

My middle schooler’s homeschool community is shrinking right as friends are more important to her than ever, and it’s taking a toll on our homeschool happiness. What can we do?

Q: Homeschooling has been a great fit for us for a few years now, but this year, I feel like I’m failing. My daughter is in 6th grade this year, and a lot of our regular homeschool friends have gone back to more traditional schools. Park days are all younger kids, and lots of classes at our co-op that she’s interested in don’t get enough students to meet their minimums. At the same time, her old friends are busy with school and hard to connect with — when I’m actively planning, we can sometimes get a sleepover together, but they rarely think to invite my daughter to anything. She’s lonely and sad and talking about going to school be- cause she misses her friends. Is there anything I can do to fix this?

A: We homeschoolers roll our eyes when people talk about socialization, but we don’t always talk about the other side of that. Sure, our kids are not unsocialized freaks because they’re out in the world, chatting with other human beings and doing normal human things, but it can be hard to make friends as a homeschooler. Some of us luck into great homeschool groups with a lot of locals in easy driving distance, but most of us find the whole friend thing challenging, especially as kids get older. Ironically, that’s also when having friends — not just friendly acquaintances — become especially important for our kids.

Knowing that you’re not alone in this may help a little, but what you really want are solutions. One might be to extend your net: It is common to age out of homeschool groups as time passes. Statistically, more people homeschool elementary school than middle school, and the numbers drop even more as you get to high school. Other people are probably in the same boat you are — they just may not be people in your usual circle. Remember how when you started homeschooling you reached out on social media to find other homeschoolers and went to every homeschool day you could? Do that again. Take a class at that group for older kids, even though you don’t know anyone there and you're not sold on the curriculum. Take all those chances you took at the beginning, when you were committed to building a community.

If you have space — or can make space — it might also be worth trying to organize some events for older homeschoolers yourself. This is usually a high-effort, low-reward project, but you don’t need a big reward for it to be successful — you’re just looking for a handful of kids to hang out with. If one or two people show up, you’re doing well.

This is also a good time to expand your community beyond the homeschool world. If you have a tween who loves animals, volunteer at a pet shelter. If you’re interested in costumes or drama, get involved with a community theater group. Love math? Lots of universities host weekend math circles. If you live in an area where homeschoolers can take public school classes or activities, this might be a good time to try those out. The idea is to connect your child with opportunities to meet like-minded kids, whatever they do for school. Friends your child makes through shared interests are more likely to survive the challenge of different schedules than more casual social connections.

If your daughter’s lack of a social life is really frustrating her and none of these solutions yields results after several months, it’s worth considering whether homeschooling is still the right fit for your family. There are lots of reasons we choose to homeschool, but one of them is to deepen and strengthen family relationships — and if your daughter’s unhappiness at missing her friends is wearing on your relationship, consider other academic options. Hybrid schools, charter schools, online classes, or even public school may be the better fit right now if homeschool social opportunities are limited. The best homeschooling is the kind that constantly reevaluates itself to make sure it’s giving kids what they need. In the middle grades, some kids need a lot of social time, and if homeschooling isn’t providing that, it’s okay to look elsewhere for a year or longer. As long as you’re doing what’s in the best interest of you and your student, you’re homeschooling right.

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