Homeschool Moms: Stop Feeling Guilty All the Time
You can't do everything, be everything, buy everything — nobody can. So why do homeschool moms feel so guilty about it?
You can't do everything, be everything, buy everything — nobody can. So why do homeschool moms feel so guilty about it?
Most of us aren’t thinking about guilt when we talk about having it all, but guilt plays a larger-than-we’d-like part in most of our lives. As if it’s not hard enough trying to balance homeschooling, parenting, housework, work responsibilities, and, you know, life, now we’ve got to do it all with Facebook and Pinterest showing us exactly how much better everyone else is at managing all those things than we are, says Gail Sullivan, M.D., a New York-based psychiatrist. A side of guilt seems like an inevitable part of homeschool life since we can never do everything all the time.
But guilt isn’t harmless. Too much guilt, and we have trouble thinking clearly, concentrating, and performing daily tasks. (Don’t even get me started on all the sleep problems caused by excessive guilt build-up.) And all those little twinges of guilt add up faster than you might think — most women are spending at least a couple of hours every week feeling guilty, says psychologist and author Kathrynn Horne.
Where does all this guilt come from? Well, there’s a good chance that some of it is educational guilt. However confident we are in our choice to homeschool, most of us occasionally face the nagging worry that our first-grader will never learn how to read or our high school sophomore will never get into college. Then there’s the classic mom guilt, that persistent feeling that we’re doing too much or not enough for our kids. Social guilt kicks in when we have to deal with letting down other people, whether it’s saying no to a volunteer project (it really would be great to have a co-op newsletter…) or a friend request on Facebook. And finally, there’s individual guilt — often the toughest guilt to shake because it occurs when we feel like we’re not living up to our own expectations for ourselves.
No matter what the source of your guilt, here’s how to send it packing:
Understand why.
Thinking about things that make us feel guilty can be hard, but it’s important to identify the real reason why something is making you feel guilty. For instance, lots of people feel guilty about skipping their kids’ favorite park day, but your friend might feel guilty because she thinks her kids don’t get enough active play time while your guilt may stem from worries about other people’s questions about your homeschoolers’ socialization. Knowing why something is triggering your guilt reaction is the first step toward getting over it.
Address the issue.
Whenever you feel a pang of guilt, ask yourself whether your guilt is a one-off or a continuing theme. If you skipped out on math for a week because you just needed a break but you’ve been vigilant about making forward progress in math over the past couple of years, there’s really no reason to feel guilty — everyone needs a break now and again. On the other hand, if you’re always feeling guilty about screen time or missing your workout, you need to adjust your habits or your priorities to better reflect what matters to you.
Be your own best friend.
What would you tell a close pal who was feeling guilty about the thing that’s stressing you out? You’d probably be a lot kinder to her than you are to yourself: “A couple of drive-thru dinners aren’t going to permanently destroy your kids’ eating habits,” you might say, or “They’ll find someone else to do the co-op newsletter this year—you can’t do everything.” Give yourself the same grace and emotional support you’d give a friend, and it will go a long way toward loosening your guilt trip’s hold on you.
7 THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER FEEL GUILTY ABOUT
Secular homeschool moms, we give you permission to never feel guilty about the following:
Saying “no” to a field trip/volunteer project/new curriculum/book club/anything you just don’t want to do.
Hiding from your kids in the bathroom. Everybody needs a break sometimes, and there’s no shame in taking it where you can.
Not checking your email. Or your Facebook messages. Or your phone. You’re allowed to unplug for a day.
Having a movie marathon and calling it school. Maybe you wouldn’t want to do it every day, but even professional teachers break out the DVD player sometimes.
Your life choices. You made them. They work for your family. You don’t have to justify or excuse them to anyone.
Ignoring a friend request. You’re not socially obligated to respond to every possible Facebook connection.
Not knowing the answer. Come on, finding out is the fun part.
12 Life Mantras Every Homeschool Mom Should Know
Believe it or not, a well-chosen mantra can help you turn around a bad day—or at least your perception of it. And while it’s not a cure-all for challenges in your homeschool, a mantra can be just the perspective shift you need when your homeschool hits a bumpy patch.
Believe it or not, a well-chosen mantra can help you turn around a bad day—or at least your perception of it. And while it’s not a cure-all for challenges in your homeschool, a mantra can be just the perspective shift you need when your homeschool hits a bumpy patch.
Okay, science suggests that we may have overestimated the whole “power of positive thinking” thing. But that doesn’t mean a good mantra can’t help you over a tough spot. The trick, says Joanne Wood, a researcher at the University of Waterloo, is to be specific and focus on the future instead of expecting something in the present to magically change for you.
“The smaller and more believable your self-talk statements are, the more likely you are to believe them — and the more likely they are to have a positive impact,” says Wood.
That’s because self-affirmation does have neurologically measurable benefits when we focus on the right things. Christopher Cascio, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania, discovered that a mantra can help with three issues homeschool moms run into more often than we’d like: they push us to remember and focus on the things we enjoy and the good parts of our homeschool; they remind us that the value of what we’re doing goes beyond a particular criticism or failure; and they help us not take it personally and blame ourselves when things go counter to our expectations.
When we talk about mantras, we’re talking about mindfulness — and at its core, mindfulness is just accepting what’s happening right now, in this moment, whether it’s what we planned, wanted, or hoped for or not.
“People have a tendency to want to evaluate our experiences and react as though we’re being graded based on them,” says Wood. This may seem like no big deal when you’re having a great homeschool day because your reaction is a positive one — everything is going great, and you’re doing well. It becomes a problem, though, on the more-frequent days that aren’t great, the days that are just okay or even kind of crummy. Because we’re judging ourselves, we end up getting detoured by negativity: We may think things like “Why is this happening to me?,” “What am I doing wrong?,” “This is a terrible day,” or “Is it always going to be so bad?” But if you can pause, take a breath, and acknowledge the reality of the moment — right now, homechooling is hard, my kids are annoying , and I wish I were doing anything else — you take the pressure off yourself to be something more or better. You’re in the moment — and being in the moment almost always makes you feel a little better about the state of your world.
The more specific your mantras are, the more effective they are—so think of these mantras as a starter set. We think you’ll find at least one that resonates with your homeschool life, but don’t stop with our suggestions. Write the ones you know you need in your particular homeschool. I may be the only mom who needs to focus on a mantra like “Right now, my son needs to do anything but read, and I’m not going to spend my energy arguing,” but that’s definitely a mantra that has gotten me through some challenging moments in our homeschool.
I am allowed to hit pause.
Sometimes in hard moments we forget that we don’t have to keep doing something that isn’t working. Whether it’s math practice or nature walks, it’s okay to stop when something is frustrating or upsetting.
I’m going to listen to my child right now.
There are times when your best-laid homeschool plans go awry because your plans and your child’s don’t match up in a moment. In those moments, try letting go of your agenda and listening to your child.
We have plenty of time.
This is the mantra you need on the days (or weeks) where you feel like nothing’s getting done. Homeschooling isn’t a short-term game, and when you get stuck in short-term-thinking, it’s easy to feel like a failure.
I know my child.
When you’re torn between choices or faced with a tough decision, remind yourself that no one knows your child better than you — whatever decision you make will honor your child in the best way you know how.
I can ask for help if I need it.
Homeschooling is a big job, but you don’t have to do it alone. Sometimes just reminding yourself that you don’t have to do everything all by yourself can help you through a challenging situation.
This is not personal.
Remind yourself of this when your child lashes out at you, complains, argues, or otherwise acts out. It’s okay for your child to have negative feelings — it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.
I’m expecting myself to be perfect, but I shouldn’t.
Sometimes, the biggest challenges we face as homeschoolers come when we have to face our own insecurities. If you’re feeling less-than, remind yourself that you’re the only person expecting you to be perfect.
I can take a break when I need one.
Similar to hitting pause, but this one is all about you: If you’re frustrated, upset, angry, bored, or otherwise not in a good headspace, take a break. The world will not stop turning because you do.
I am learning and growing too.
Sometimes you won’t know everything you need to know in a given moment. That’s okay—just as your child is learning and growing, so are you.
This was originally published in the fall 2018 issue of HSL.
Monday Meditations: What You Do Is Important
The work we do as homeschoolers matters, and we should see it that way.
““If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement, and mystery of the world we live in.” ”
I suppose we can blame the Victorians, who created the idea that there are two spheres in the world: the public sphere, out in the world, where everything happens and the private sphere, which is just home. Somehow in that division — and we all know that these kinds of divisions are inherently problematic, of course — the idea came that “home stuff” was less important than “world stuff,” and we still carry that distinction around with us. Even if we don’t believe it — and most of us probably don’t — we’re still influenced by it. In order for the work we do at home to be important, it has to be perfect — in a way we’d never expect ourselves to be perfect out in the public sphere.
But we know, deep down, that the work we do at home is important. Homeschooling isn’t something we’re doing to avoid “getting a real job.” Homeschooling is a real job — and lots of us have those “real jobs,” too, which we manage to mold around the rest of our homeschool lives. (Talk about challenges!) Whether we are hands-on parents who structure learning every single day for our families or relaxed parents who trust kids to find their own way through their interests, we are doing every day the most important work there is: preparing our children to blossom in the future that matters to them. We don’t have to agree about ideologies or worksheets or tests to agree that we are doing the best we know how to do to give our children the tools they need to build the future they want. (And, indeed, even if we agreed, our children would probably end up doing something completely different anyway.)
It’s easy to get overwhelmed by the hugeness of this project sometimes, but it is also surprisingly easy to take it for granted and to value this work less than it deserves. After all, this is not work that comes with easy-to-share metrics. It’s not even work where you’ll end up with a promotion: Do your job as a homeschool parent really well, and you’ll get fired at some point because your kids are ready for a different kind of learning. It’s a job that allows you to squeeze in a load of laundry or a little meal prep on the side — domestic tasks that seem to push homeschooling into the realm of the domestic. The world that’s lovely and warm and welcoming and supportive but that’s also somehow less important.
But that’s a fallacy, and we know it when we force ourselves to confront it head-on. Homeschooling is important work. It’s the work that shapes our children’s educations, of course, but through that, it also shapes their futures, their perception of the world, their ideas of success. It’s a project that requires the organization skills of a CEO’s secretary, the creativity of a budget-filmmaker, the curiosity of a science historian, and the listening and attention-paying abilities of a great therapist. We’re growing so much as individuals in this endeavor that we can forget to see how much our children are growing, too. When we pause and step out of ourselves for a moment to look into our lives from the outside, the magnitude of our importance may shock us. We matter so much. And what we do, even on a sleepy Monday morning, matters.
Food for thought
Do you value your work as homeschool parent?
How can you recognize and honor the importance of what you do?
Are there people in your life who make you feel less important? How can you manage those relationships without minimizing yourself?
Beat the Winter Homeschool Slump: Do One Thing Different
Happiness comes more from our actions than our circumstances: about 40 percent of the average person’s happiness comes from things they do. So to get out of a rut, do something different. It’s almost too easy.
Happiness comes more from our actions than our circumstances: about 40 percent of the average person’s happiness comes from things they do. So to get out of a rut, do something different. It’s almost too easy.
Drop the thing you hate. Whether it’s driving to soccer practice or proctoring math worksheets, take a break from your least favorite part of your homeschool routine. Maybe you’ll go back to it in a few weeks or months, maybe you’ll find a substitute that’s a better fit. Either way, you’ll get a break that opens up a shiny new space in your daily routine.
That thing you want to do? Do it! Maybe it’s art afternoons or family movie night or science experiments — but there’s something on your if-only-we-had-more-time radar that you just never seem to get to. Put it front and center now, and make it your homeschool priority for a few weeks.
Get outside. Even in the middle of winter, a little fresh air can go a long way toward brightening your everyday routine. Make a point to spend at least a few minutes outside every day, and brave the weather to take a nature walk or just speed-walk around the block every chance you get.
Live in reverse. Our secret weapon for a really tough day? Go backwards: Start the day with dessert, pajamas, and a bedtime story, and work your way back to breakfast for dinner. It’s weird and wacky and somehow just the right thing to get everyone in a happier spirit.
The Joy of Lists
Add a little oomph to your routine with some strategic list making — it’s surprisingly inspiring, as you’ve no doubt discovered by falling into a Buzzfeed lists hole yourself now and again. Here are a few list ideas to get you started:
Field trips you want to take
Books everyone should read
Best movies about animals
Funniest fictional characters
Weirdest words
Things you learned this year
Books you read this year
Reasons you can’t clean your room today
Terrible characters in literature
Places you’d like to visit
Favorite family recipes
Beat the Winter Homeschool Slump: Get Hands On
One of the most effective ways to feel happier and more productive? Working with your hands. Winter is the perfect time to start a new project.
One of the most effective ways to feel happier and more productive? Working with your hands. Winter is the perfect time to start a new project.
Sign up for an online class. We’ve taken several Craftsy classes and enjoyed learning how to decorate cakes, crochet amigurumi, and arrange flowers. Since you can start and stop classes on demand, you can binge a whole soap carving class in one afternoon or spend a couple of months mastering the chain stitch.
Designate a table space for marble runs, giant Lego builds, jigsaw puzzles, and other construction efforts. Consider letting the kids work with their hands while you do readalouds or watch documentaries. Map the world by hand. Make a big batch of salt dough, and build your own three-dimensional maps. You can go small-scale — Heidi’s mountain, say, or the original Jamestown settlement — or large, with whole continents. A big, multi-day map building session is an engrossing boredom buster.
Skip the written. If your homeschool typically relies on narration and journaling, mix things up by taking assignments off the page: Encourage kids to make a movie, do a news report, build a diorama, make a poster, or engage in some alternate form of information communication.
Color your world. Dover’s coloring book series includes everything from fashion of the jazz age to copies of Renoir paintings to butterflies and wildflowers. Choose a few that line up with your kids’ interests or what you’re studying, pull out your colored pencils, and make coloring part of your routine.
Make Your Own Holidays
Post-holiday blues don’t just hit homeschoolers— everyone who spends weeks looking forward to special celebrations experiences a little letdown when the celebration ends. One way to ease into the new year is to make sure to mark a few fun holidays on your calendar. These silly holidays are a fun excuse for a random midwinter celebration:
January 11 Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friends Day
January 16 Appreciate a Dragon Day
January 20 Penguin Awareness Day
January 28 National Kazoo Day
January 30 Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day
February 3 Feed the Birds Day
February 17 Random Acts of Kindness Day
February 26 Tell a Fairy Tale Day
March 10 Middle Name Pride Day
March 11 Johnny Appleseed Day
March 14 Pi Day
March 18 National Quilting Day
March 25 Waffle Day
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Beat the Winter Homeschool Slump: Revamp Your Learning Space
You don’t have to do huge renovations to make your learning spaces feel brand new. Here are a few simple ideas that will breath new life into your school space this winter.
One of the best ways to change your attitude when you feel stuck in a rut is to change your space.
You don’t have to do huge renovations to make your learning spaces feel brand new. Here are a few simple ideas that will breath new life into your school space this winter.
Color your world. A fresh coat of paint will brighten up the room where you do most of your hands-on learning. Not ready to paint the walls? Consider painting bookcases or other furniture to brighten up the room.
Create a reading nook. Move an oversize chair and side table near a sunny window, add a lamp and a snuggly blanket, and you’ve got a cozy spot for readalouds or independent reading.
Set up a nature station. If it’s too chilly to spend much time outside, set up a nature watching station near a window with your binoculars, bird identification guides, nature journals, and other nature observation tools.
Make a mini library. If your kids are feeling ho-hum about reading, make them librarians. Dedicate one bookshelf to independent reading books, and let kids create a card catalog and add checkout cards to books.
Switch out your walls. If you’ve had a world map up for years, trade it for a map of the solar system, or sub quirky grammar posters for your multiplication charts. You don’t have to make a permanent change, but giving your walls a refresh will make the space feel new again.
Buy new school supplies. Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy scented pencils and pretty notebooks, and that’s pretty close. If your budget has a little wiggle room, you may be surprised by what a difference those cool sushi erasers make in your everyday homeschool.
Do you have a friend who’s also in a rut? Consider organizing a swap — you spend a couple of weeks following her schedule and curriculum (including her favorite readaloud), while her family follows your regular routine. When you switch back, your materials will feel fresh and fun again.
If a space revamp isn’t possible right now or your budget is already stretched, that doesn’t mean you’re stuck in less-than-inspiring digs. Consider these out-of-the-house destinations your temporary classroom.
Libraries. A homeschoolers’ standby for good reason, libraries are always a good place to get a change of perspective.
Public atriums. Lots of gardens and parks have enclosed, climate-controlled spaces for community classes and activities. Often, they’re virtually empty during school/work hours.
Train stations and airports. Public areas at these spaces are a great place to people watch and journal.
Fast food restaurants or coffee shops. Mornings and mid-afternoons are often quiet times for these kid-friendly establishments, so you can settle in for an out-of-the-house math lesson or history essay session.
Beat the Winter Homeschool Slump: Challenge Accepted
Sometimes when you feel stuck, setting a series of goals can help you break out of the blah.
Sometimes when you feel stuck, setting a series of goals can help you break out of the blah. Put together a family challenge, and spend these short winter days trying to meet your challenge goals.
Have a month-long readathon. Set an ambitious family “pages read” goal, and track your reading progress over the course of a month. Set a fun reward to celebrate reaching your goal—dinner at your favorite restaurant or a trip to an indoor water park.
Make every step count. Buy everyone inexpensive step counters, and try to walk a certain number of steps each week. This can be a great way for active kids to burn energy inside when the weather outside won’t cooperate.
Paint a family mural. This can be a fun way to brighten up your school space. Design a mural, then carefully transfer it to gridded paper so that you can copy the design onto your wall. (If you rent or just don’t want a permanent change, you can cover your wall with butcher paper first.)
Plant an herb garden. Most herbs thrive indoors, and it can be heartening to see signs of new green life in the middle of winter. Plant seeds for your family’s favorite herbs, and watch your container garden come to life.
Cook your way around the world. Hang up a world map, and hit the library cookbook section to discover one classic meal from every country. Make shopping for ingredients and cooking these dishes a family adventure, and stick a colored pin in your map for every country that hits your table.
Host a science fair. This one’s even more fun if you can get a group together. Encourage your kids to choose a big science question and use the scientific method to investigate it. Then put together a project presentation for your experiment.
Monday Meditations: You Can Start Right Now
There is no secret to making your homeschool life more of the life you want — the only way to get there is one change at a time.
“We have a hunch that it is possible to live a better, more balanced, and less stressful life, but many of us firmly believe that we don’t have the time or energy to make the necessary changes, even though perhaps just one small change could significantly reduce our stress levels. Instead of striving for attainable incremental changes, we sometimes complain as if our lives are completely out of our hands.”
I’d like to redo our homeschool space. The walls are smudgy from years of tiny fingerprints and little artists switching out their favorite paintings and quotes and drawings. The bookcases slump in the middle. The table is splattered with permanent paint and unexpectedly bumpy from years of craft projects. It’s a big project, though, and I’ve been waiting for a big chunk of time to tackle it.
I’d like to write my son a curriculum around Minecraft. I have great ideas — a multi-layered, interdisciplinary curriculum that incorporates math and programming, history and creative writing, literature and science. To do it right, though, I’d need a big chunk of uninterrupted working time, and I’m unlikely to get that soon.
I’d like to plant a garden. I think about it a lot — we have a big sunny spot in the back yard that would be perfect for a raised bed. I’ve never been a gardener, but I’d like to be. I’d need to learn more about gardening though — I’d probably need to take some classes at least — and there’s no space for that right now.
I’d love to make an evening every week just for me — space for me to do whatever I want. I’m feeling on the verge of burnout — but there’s not time for me to figure out how to make more time.
I don’t do these things — even though I want to. I don’t do them because I don’t want to start them without being prepared, without having everything I need organized and ready to go. There’s not time, not yet.
Waiting for the right moment can be wonderful, but when you’re busy with your life and your homeschool and your family, it can feel like there’s no right moment ever. It’s like the old joke about having kids — if everybody waited until they felt ready to have children, the human race would probably die out because we’re never ready. Because that’s almost always true for whatever it is we want to do: We’re not ready. The secret is to do it anyway.
Do something. Clear off the middle shelf of the saggy bookshelf. Make one Minecraft lesson plan. Plant one blueberry bush. Take one hour off. It’s so easy to get stuck in the trap of thinking that if I want to do something, I have to do it all — but that’s so silly! We are the dictators of our schedule, we are the owners of our lives, we are (to borrow a phrase) the masters of our fate. And if we want something in our lives to change, we are absolutely, positively the only ones who have the power to make it change.
The change we make with our loose ends and scattered moments may not be the picture-perfect before-and-afters we’ve gotten hooked on through media and social media. It will be better. It will be the real thing, made by us, in ways that don’t require a different kind of life, a different budget, or different kids. We will have to go slowly and appreciate the small impacts of our small changes. We will have to recognize, in months or years, when we are in the middle of our busy lives, that our work has done what we wanted it to — whether we’ve exactly met the picture in our minds or not, we are living the life we wanted to live. And all we had to do was just get started.
Food for thought
What is it that you want to change in your homeschool life?
What one change could you make today — with the time and resources you have right now — to get closer to that vision?
Why aren’t you doing it? What is in your way?
Monday Meditations: The Soul-Expanding Power of Quitting
Sometimes quitting is the key to homeschool happiness.
“To serve is beautiful, but only if it is done with joy and a whole heart and a free mind.”
One thing I’m slowly learning is that a lot of the expectations in my life come from me, not from anybody else.
Take lunch. There was a stage early in our homeschool life where lunch exhausted me. Everyone wanted something different to eat, at different times, and then everything had to be cleaned up — just in time to start thinking about dinner. Housework, housekeeping, has never been the thing I’m best at, and lunch made me feel like I never got a break from housekeeping.
And then I saw how my husband did it — or rather, how he didn’t do it. He didn’t special order cook anybody’s lunch. He didn’t cut people’s sandwiches into shapes with cookie cutters. When one of the kids came to him, saying, “What’s for lunch?,” he said, “There’s sandwich stuff if you want to make a sandwich, or you can heat up some leftover soup.” And they made sandwiches or heated up soup cheerfully. I was the one who had been making a big deal about lunch.
So I quit lunch several years ago, and it’s been wonderful. It revolutionized our homeschool days — not fretting about and fussing with lunch meant I had the space to prep science experiments and squeeze in more reading and give my energy to figuring out our morning routine. It made me happy — and, importantly, it didn’t make anybody else sad. No one but me thought I needed to be making A Thing out of lunchtime.
It’s not always that easy. Sometimes there are things we can’t quit, obligations we can’t just cross off our to-do list. But sometimes there are things we can just let go of — and we often don’t see them because we’re so caught up in the idea that we Have To: We Have To do those co-op classes even though they’ve become inconvenient and no one really enjoys them that much; we Have To do math every single morning, even though there’s no reason we couldn't experiment to see if doing it three or four times a week would work just as well; we Have To do super special hands-on craft projects for every single class even though we hate super special hands-on craft projects.
When there’s something getting between me and homeschool happiness, I want to do a better job of looking closely at that roadblock to see if it’s not actually something I could just walk around. I want to let go of my expectations and ask myself, “What would happen if I just let that go?” And I want to let myself really play out that answer, past the immediate panicked response and into the implications of letting go (my kids aren’t going to starve to death if I don’t get their lunch one day — they’ll probably eat goldfish crackers and cookies, but they won’t starve) and the assumptions behind my expectations (good moms make lunch, so if I don’t make lunch, I’m not a good mom). I want to make letting go an option rather than a last resort. I want to embrace the soul-expanding power of quitting.
Food for thought
What do you do in your homeschool life because you “have to?” Do you really have to?
What expectations about yourself or your homeschool do you struggle to live up to? Do those expectations really make sense? How could you change them?
What if you quit one thing? What space would that free up? How would you fill that new space?
Monday Meditations: It’s Not Always About You
Sometimes, homeschooling is easier when I get out of my own head and try to see things through my children’s eyes.
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”
There is a Taoist fable about a wealthy man who wants to entertain his seabird visitor — he pulls out all the stops, putting together the parties, feasts, and celebrations that he would want someone to throw for him. The bird, of course, is baffled by all this, and basically hides in a corner the whole time, not even venturing out to take a bite of any of the fine food. People don’t all need the same things, is the point, and sometimes the adage that you should treat other people the way you want to be treated doesn’t play out in the real world the way you hope.
This is the lesson I learn over and over in my homeschool life: It’s not about me. I love this book. I love writing essays. I love taking tests. (I really do.) I love reading poetry out loud and watching documentaries and illustrating my notes. And sometimes my children love these things, too. Often, though, they don’t, and I have to take a step back from what I love to recognize what they love, to see them for who they are, and to make their joys our homeschool priority.
I want to open myself to what is, to see my children for who they are and our homeschool for what it is. So how can I do this? Well, for starters, I can step back — I can open up our routine to see how my children fill their days when I’m not there to direct them. (I can be willing to let go of my own anxieties if this means that sometimes that means they play Minecraft all day. I can also let go of my own need to be cool to tell them that they can’t play Minecraft all day every day.) I can close the plans and curricula and to-do lists for a little while and observe how they tackle something on their own. And I can do this not once or once a year but regularly, every season, so that our homeschool changes as they change.
I also need to remind myself of this when we hit a hard patch. Sometimes, yes, there’s something I can change to make things easier or better, but sometimes, the problem is not mine to fix. Sometimes, when my child is struggling with something, my job is not to fix things but to give her the space to find her own solution. Sometimes, my job is to sit on the problem until she recognizes it for herself. My perspective isn’t always what’s necessary to solve a problem.
I can’t do this every day. Some days, there are things to do. There are SATs and commitments to homeschool groups and work I want to see through, and that’s okay. I don’t have to do this every day. But I can do it sometimes. I can do it today. And every time I do it, every time I try to look at our homeschool through their eyes instead of my own, I can see it more clearly.
Food for thought
What parts of our homeschool day are for me? What parts are for them? Does that balance feel right?
What do I love about homeschooling that my kids don’t? What personal outlet can I find for that love?
What do my kids love about homeschooling that I don’t? How can I be more open to that in our everyday homeschool?
Monday Meditations: Make Room for Silence
Silence feels like a rare commodity in my life right now, and I miss it.
“One of the greatest sounds of them all—and to me it is a sound—is utter, complete silence.”
Our homeschool life is full of wonderful sounds. There’s the sound of our daily readalouds. The sounds of music practice — that have gotten a little louder since my son got his first electric guitar. The sounds of non-stop conversation. The background noise of podcasts and video games and YouTube videos. I love all of these sounds, but there is a part of me that sometimes just craves silence.
Silence feels like a rare commodity in my life right now, and I miss it. In the world of words and noise, we’re pulled from ourselves — pulled to our to-do list or some idea of what we should be doing or someone else’s idea of what we should be thinking. And while those things can all be valuable, they all exist outside of us. In silence, we move beyond words and into a different kind of awareness, into a space of being rather than a space of doing. At first, your mind may race, filling the silence with thoughts and projects and plans. But slowly, our minds unknot, our thoughts loosen. We relax into the silence.
I have spent many years making space for the noises of our homeschool life, and I love them all. But this year, I want to make space for silence, too — and not just for myself. I want my children to learn silence, to learn how to sit comfortably with themselves in silence, to wander free and easy in the space that silence creates. Our morning routine has changed so many times over the years, but the noise has been a constant. Bringing in a little silence now feels right. As we sit together watching the morning candle’s flame twisting and shivering in the cold air, our silence feels like a kind of communion.
It’s not easy to find silence — and there are times where stopping the noise means stopping something good and productive that I don’t want to put a stop to. But I am looking for ways to bring more quiet moments into our routine. I also find that when I am seeking silence, I find it in odd places — on the drive home from Japanese lessons or in the kitchen waiting for the water to boil — and I am learning to embrace those kernels of silence when they appear, for as long as they appear. I am not sure I would have recognized the value of those little moments if I were not actively seeking silence in my day.
Food for Thought
When was the last time you were in a truly silent place? How did you feel?
What are the noises of your everyday life?
How can you make room for silence?
Monday Meditations: Everything Is Too Much
It’s not just okay to let go of being perfect — it’s essential.
“What makes you worthwhile is who you are, not what you do.”
What is it that makes us think we have to do it all?
Motherhood, all by itself, is a full-time job. Keeping a house is a full-time job. Feeding multiple people three-plus meals every single day, 365 days a year, is a full-time job. Homeschooling one child is a full-time job — and homeschooling more than one child? Yeah, it’s a full-time job and a half. Add in all the other parts of your life that require your attention — having a job outside of home, being a partner, being a friend, making time for yourself, showering at least occasionally — and it’s so obvious that “doing it all” is utterly, completely, and absolutely impossible.
That realization should be liberating. The realization that it is physically impossible for us to do it all should free us up to let go of the feeling that we need to do it all. So why doesn’t it? Why, even in the face of this clear, indisputable knowledge of reality, do I feel guilty that I can’t catch up on laundry or that I gave up and ordered a pizza last night because I was in a writing flow and didn’t want to stop? Why do I feel guilty when I give time to work AND guilty when I give time to my family AND crazy-out-of-control-ridiculously-guilty when I give time to myself?
I don’t know. But I do know that I am fighting an uphill battle learning to accept that I cannot do it all, and I need to stop trying to do it all. What, after all, is the problem with last-minute laundry? I do love those beautiful magazine spreads of perfectly folded socks, but in reality, we just need socks to wear when we need them, and pulling them out of the dryer is just as effective for that as a beautiful, rainbow-arranged sock drawer. It’s okay to just get it done. And it’s okay NOT to do it. It’s okay to order pizza, or pay for grocery delivery, or let someone else take care of cleaning the hall bathroom. It’s okay to not get to something one day, even that something is your 11-year-old’s science lab or your winter issue table of contents. It’s okay because you can’t do it all — you have to pick and choose, and you have to live in your choice. Why waste energy and guilt when you are doing something important? Being fully present in one important thing at a time is better than being scattered across an endless to-do list, never taking the time to be in the moment. My goal for 2019 is to let go of multitasking and to take each day moment-by-moment as it comes.
Food for Thought
What am I doing that isn’t important to me in my everyday life? How can I let go of some of the responsibility for that?
How can I make my expectations for myself more reasonable?
What can I be proud of in my everyday life today? How can I celebrate that today?
Monday Meditations: What Brings You Joy?
What brings you homeschool joy?
“We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives… not looking for flaws, but for potential.”
The New Year’s resolution is a time-honored tradition, but it’s not always the best way to look at our homeschool lives. The idea of a resolution is to find something you can change, something you can improve, something you can make better or smarter or more efficient. And sure, those are things worth thinking about — but sometimes it just makes more sense to think about what’s working well and look for ways to get more of that in your everyday routine.
What brings you homeschooling joy? I know I’m always saying this, but one of the best pieces of homeschool advice I got when we started homeschooling a decade ago was to keep a joy journal, to write down three great things about every homeschool day. I’ve ended every day that way since my now-junior was in 2nd grade by writing three good things in my homeschool joy journal. (I’m on my third Moleskine now.) There have been lovely days where choosing just three things has been hard, when I write pages. And there have been challenging days where I had to stretch my idea of “good things” to come up with three things to write about. Flipping back through the pages, I see what’s made magic in our homeschool over the years: reading together, my willingness to wait instead of pushing, letting projects and subjects sprawl outside my planned boundaries.
And when it comes time to start a new year — a fresh slate — I know where to start. Not with new structures and routines and curricula but with more of what we already love. Instead of resolving to do something new or focusing on what’s not so great, I can build my goals around joy — and reap the benefits of that happiness all year long.
Food for thought
What brings you joy in your homeschool?
How do you make time to appreciate the good parts of your everyday homeschool life?
How could you include more of what makes you happy in your homeschool life this year?
Don’t Be Hard On Yourself, Homeschool Parents
Homeschooling isn’t always easy, but you’re probably doing a better job than you give yourself credit for.
Homeschooling has its challenges no matter what. Even if your kids are healthy, non-special needs, and you have money, there will be difficult moments. Throw in anything else, and homeschooling can be extra tough. Every homeschooling parent will have days when they’re wondering if it’s the right decision.
I don’t have any remedy for the difficult parts. All kids are different, and all families are different. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and our own capacities for dealing with certain stuff. While some parents handle stress well, others might feel it’s not working.
Either way, it’s okay. None of it means we’re better or worse than anybody else. It just means our situations are different.
My husband reminded me about something that made me feel so much better that I thought I’d pass it on in case it helped anyone else. He reminded me that the public school down the street didn’t have one teacher. It has a huge staff, and every person working there supports each other. There are the teachers, but there’s also the principal, assistant principal, librarian, IEP specialists, nurse, cafeteria workers, and the janitor. There are people who order the books, pick out the curriculums, and there are people who continue to teach the teachers how to teach. Not to mention volunteers or tutors that come to help.
Granted, many homeschoolers don’t like how public school works for their children, and that’s why we’re not sending our kids there. But regardless of how you feel about them, you have to admit that there are a lot of people (usually good people!) working hard to try to teach and help the students.
And at home, there’s just me. There’s also my husband when he can help (and I’m lucky I have a husband that helps!), but I’m the main teacher, librarian, curriculum chooser, lesson planner, cafeteria worker, janitor, and occasionally nurse. And not to mention, I must also be a motivator, disciplinarian, appointment maker, calendar-keeper, chauffeur, and don’t forget Mom.
I also have to teach myself how to teach. I have to figure out why something isn’t working and find something that does work. I rarely have the opportunity to speak to an expert. (And I’ve had experiences where the “experts” I did speak to were not helpful for my particular situation.)
Fortunately, I only have two students, but they are in different grades, and they have different learning styles. I still have to go through all the steps with each of them. I don’t get the advantage of teaching the same material year after year until I know it like the back of my hand. I always have to teach something new, and I always wonder if there’s a better resource or way to teach it. And since it’s impossible to teach everything, I have to decide what to teach and what not to teach. (That’s what worries me the most – the things I’m not teaching. Am I failing them?)
I’m not complaining. I actually love being a homeschool mom. I love planning lessons, shopping for materials, and I love learning with my kids. I feel like I’m finally getting a good education for myself! But I’m not saying everything is perfect or easy.
It’s hard for one or two parents to take on the role of what in our current society is usually left to an entire institution with a full staff and trained teachers. There was a time in history when all kids learned at home or on the farm, but today we have many more expectations for our children. They will become adults in a much different world, and they will need to find careers that will support them in a very competitive job market.
So if you’re feeling a lot of pressure as a homeschool parent, I think that’s normal, and if you’re having a hard day and wondering whether you’re doing it right, I’m here to tell you that you can give yourself a break. You’re taking on a lot. And you’re probably doing a much better job than you think you are.
Mindful Homeschool: Learning to Let Your Homeschool Worries Go
I like to turn my worries into what Patricia Zaballos so eloquently called wondering in her first column. Not all wondering is bad, and it comes with the territory of homeschooling.
We hear this advice a lot. “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” It sounds easy, but it’s not, and part of this is because when we’re worried about something, it doesn’t feel small. It feels big and important. In that moment, it may be.
You could try what I do. I ask myself: “In twenty years, will this matter?” That does help sometimes, but when it comes to homeschooling my children, the answer to that question isn’t as straightforward.
If my son doesn’t learn to read, will that matter in twenty years? You bet!
If I can’t find or create the perfect lesson plans, will that affect my child’s chances of getting into college? Gulp.
If my son starts to talk back to me at the age of seven, are we going to be at odds when he’s an adult? (Holding back tears.)
When it comes to our children, how can we not worry? No one tells you before you have your first baby that having a child is like pulling your heart out of your chest and watching it walk around in this dangerous, complex world. And you never get it back.
I know logically that most of my worries are inconsequential. I remind myself that we will take it one step at a time. I know my child will learn how to read even though he struggles at the moment. It’s all about perseverance. And trial and error. We’ll get through all the bumps somehow.
I like to turn my worries into what Patricia Zaballos so eloquently called wondering in her first column. Not all wondering is bad, and it comes with the territory of homeschooling. Unfortunately, it sounds like it never goes away either:
“It doesn’t seem to matter that I have one kid who has just graduated from college and another starting in the fall…. It’s just the twelve-year-old and me homeschooling these days; you’d think after all this time I’d have things figured out. Nope. Still wondering constantly.”
~ Patricia Zaballos, The Wonder Files, home/school/life, Summer 2014.
I can let go of the inconsequential: The perfectionist in me. I can stop listening to bad advice on how to get my child to read. Instead, I can give it time and my patience. I can let go of wanting to do it my way and try other ways instead. We have the time after all. That’s why we’re homeschoolers.
What have you learned to let go of in your homeschooling journey?
Mindful Homeschool: You Have All the Time You Need
“Tell yourself that you and your children have all the time in the world to learn whatever you want.”
I don’t think I’m alone when I say that one of the best reasons I’ve found for homeschooling is the time it affords us. And I mean that in all ways possible.
My children have more time to play, move, use their imaginations and sleep.
We are not limited by anyone’s schedule except the one we choose to follow.
My children can learn at their own pace. No school or curriculum is pushing them to do more than they can do.
My husband and I get to spend all day with our children. To some people, that might sound exhausting, but because this is our lifestyle, we have had time to figure out a routine that works for us, and we can’t imagine it any other way.
Because my children are home all the time, and I can’t possibly be with them every moment, they are turning into people who can entertain themselves.
We don’t fight about screen time because we have time for everything – nature walks, play time, discovery time, reading time, and screen time.
We can go on vacations during off-season, so that means cheaper prices and less people.
We can go to parks, malls, museums or just about anywhere during the week, so that means less people too.
Certainly there isn’t time for everything I wish we could do. I don’t always get the free time and solitude that I need, but despite the challenges, this time of my life is still probably the happiest I’ll ever have.
If you are feeling overwhelmed by homeschooling, I would suggest remembering this piece of advice that Beth Gulley (Our Way, Summer 2014) told us: “Tell yourself that you and your children have all the time in the world to learn whatever you want.”
Breathe. Remember you don’t have to do it all today. You can say no to some field trips and play dates. You can try different things. You can give your child the time he/she needs. Breathe. Time is on your side.
Are you using the time you have to your advantage? Please share your stories about time in the comments.
Mindful Homeschool: Find the Beauty in the Mess and Chaos
A key to happy homeschooling is learning to recognize the creativity, imagination, exploration, learning, and joy that's happening amid the mess and noise.
“The hours when the mind is absorbed in beauty are the only hours we live.”
Richard Jefferies (1848-1887) was an English nature writer, so I will assume that when he wrote this, he may have been referring to the beauty of this Earth. As someone who finds inspiration and perhaps even my spiritual bent rooted in nature, I would have to agree with him that spending time with nature is essential for humans. It gives us a way of connecting with ourselves, replenishing our spirits, and yes, absorbing the beauty and bounty of this planet. But Beauty can be found in many places, and it can be felt as well as seen. As homeschool parents, we are gifted with the ability to spend every moment of our day absorbed in beauty. Are you rolling your eyes at me? Indeed, I know our lives don’t always feel beautiful. But what if we change our perspective a little? What if we see it for what it really is?
The messy house is a testament to our artwork – the rearing of our children and the love we pour into our homes and families. How boring our children’s lives would be if they grew up in a home that had to be perfect and without the dog’s dusty paw prints on the floor or the clutter of books and unfinished projects.
“I know our lives don’t always feel beautiful. But what if we change our perspective a little? What if we see it for what it really is?”
And the mess is our children’s outpouring of artistic expression! Their toys, their scattered drawings, the matchbox cars that we trip on, and even the doll’s clothes crumbled up on the bedroom floor. These are their first works of imagination.
Photo by Shelli Bond Pabis
The noise is the beautiful sound of a family. Yes, sometimes even the yelling, the crying, and exasperated sighs. All of that mixes with the laughter, the music, and the endless questions of a child to create a home life. It is a full life, and it all has a purpose.
Look around you and find the beauty. Can you study it awhile, take a photograph, draw a picture, or record it in another way? Stand back, view a bigger picture of your life, and start seeing the beauty everywhere.
Feel free to leave a comment or image of your beautiful surroundings in the comments section.
You can't do everything, be everything, buy everything — nobody can. So why do homeschool moms feel so guilty about it?