Tired of Being Tired? It Could Be Homeschool Burnout

Burnout doesn’t mean homeschooling isn’t working or that you’re a bad homeschool parent — but it does mean something needs to change.

One morning in mid-April, Lindsey* lay in bed, staring at her ceiling.

Her to-do list for the day was full: finish up a geography unit with her 9-year-old, work through a math quiz with her 11-year-old, and make sure her 14-year-old got to her theater troupe practice on time. And that was on top of the usual run of feeding people, cleaning the house, and managing all the rest of her homeschool life. She should get up. But she just lay there, staring at the lines on the ceiling.

“You think of high-powered career people getting burned out, not homeschool moms,” Lindsey says. “I knew something was wrong with me, but I never thought I was burned out.”

Burnout is a real mental health phenomenon, and it’s different from the “I’m-gonna-need-a-bigger-cup-of-coffee” exhaustion that can strike on a busy homeschool week.

“Burnout happens when you’ve been experiencing chronic stress for so long that your body and emotional system have begun to shut down, and you’re operating in survival mode. You numb out because you can’t think,” says Sara Denning, Ph.D, New York City-based psychologist.

If that sounds a lot like depression, it’s because it is — when researchers from the University of Franche-Comté looked at 5,000 teachers who described themselves as “burned out,” 90 percent of those teachers also met the diagnostic criteria for depression, including sleep changes, fatigue, and an inability to find enjoyment in previously enjoyed activities.

While stress makes you feel super-emotional — think mood swings and eating your feelings — true burnout makes you feel — well, nothing. In fact, it can be hard to distinguish between depression and burnout because there’s so much overlap in the symptoms, so if you’re not sure what’s going on with your slump, David Hellerstein, M.D., professor of clinical psychiatry at Columbia University, recommends taking a week’s vacation from homeschooling. At the end of the week, are you excited and ready to dive back in? You’re probably dealing with an overcrowded schedule, but you’re not really burned out. On the other hand, if you’re back to feeling burned out a couple of hours or days after easing back into your regular routine, there’s a good chance you’re dealing with genuine burnout.

Another clue: Burnout usually affects a specific part of your life — I can hear you laughing, since homeschooling pretty much consumes your entire life, but if you find yourself getting excited about your book club night or a weekend getaway, you might be dealing with homeschool burnout.

It’s not hard to understand how a homeschool parent could succumb to burnout. Homeschooling isn’t a full-time job — it’s an all-the-time, every-single-day job. You have all the duties and responsibilities of a teacher — often, of several teachers — plus all the duties of a parent, including housework, food prep, and everything else that your daily life requires. It’s a rewarding gig, but it’s not always an easy one.

“People tend to think of burnout as something that happens when you don’t like your job, but it can also happen when you like your job so much that you give it more time and energy than you have to give,” explains Hellerstein. “Burnout isn’t necessarily a sign that you need to get out — it’s often a sign that you’ve been putting yourself last for too long.”

Sound familiar? If you’re feeling burned out, it doesn’t mean that it’s time to quit homeschooling — though a break is never a bad idea, says Denning. But burnout doesn’t go away on its own. In fact, the longer you try to ignore it, the worse it gets. These strategies can help.

Stop putting yourself last.

Seriously. Today. Not next week, not when you finish up this year’s violin lessons, not as soon as co-op ends for the summer. Right now. When Lindsey finally sat down with her doctor, she realized that she couldn’t remember the last time she’d had real time to herself. “I love doing things for my kids,” she says. “I was never resentful or upset — but it was slowly wearing me out.” Lindsey’s doctor prescribed a minimum of one night a week off, and now Lindsey’s partner takes over kid duty on Wednesday nights. At first, Lindsey says, she didn’t even know what to do with time to herself, and some nights, she ended up just driving around for a couple of hours. Now, she looks forward to having a quiet dinner and reading time at a local cafe or meeting a friend to watch a movie.

Do more of what you love.

Everybody enjoys some parts of homeschooling more than others, so if you’ve gotten into a groove where there’s nothing you genuinely enjoy on most days’ agenda, you’re at high risk for burnout, says Hellerstein. Adjust your schedule so that you have something to look forward to every day — and put it at the top of the to-do list so that it’s one of the first things you do and not something that you find yourself putting off until the next day.

Don’t participate in a grouse group.

Under ordinary circumstances, having a group of a moms to vent with at park days can be part of a healthy homeschool life, but not when you’re dealing with burnout. Negativity can be contagious, and burned-out people are especially susceptible. If you can, steer the conversation to more positive topics; if you can’t, bring a book and relocate your chair for a few weeks while you recover.

Keep a journal.

Writing down your feelings can be one of the most effective ways to deal with them, says Denning. Be specific: Write down exactly what’s wearing on you, whether it’s your son grumbling about math or your all the driving you’re doing on Mondays, and note proactive things you can do to improve the situation (like taking a month-long break from math or skipping a particular park day). The more nebulous your stresses are, the more they impact you—writing them down makes them feel solvable.

*last names omitted for online publication

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