How to Raise Self-Directed Learners
The homeschool dream is to have kids who learn because they want to — but what if your kids don’t seem to be finding their passion? Patience, persistence, and following your own joy is key.
Jen* was in love with project-based learning. She followed a gorgeously photographed blog by a homeschool mom whose elementary school son was always spending months researching and building Viking ships, or making obsessively detailed salt-dough maps of the continents, or filling up his birding journal by learning the names and songs of all the birds in the family’s community. This was what homeschooling was all about: A bright, creative kid following his interests wherever they led him, leaving a series of Instagram-perfect projects in his wake.
Jen showed her 10-year-old son Dylan pictures of Viking ship and the birding journal. “Cool,” Dylan said. But he wasn't inspired to launch into any projects of his own — or even to copy the projects other kids were doing. “The only thing he got excited about was playing video games,” said Jen. “He’d work on something if I pushed him for as long as I kept pushing, but as soon as I left it in his hands, he was done. And I kept looking at all these pictures of someone else’s apparently perfect kid and thinking what am I doing wrong?”
One of the great benefits of homeschooling is being able to give our kids the opportunity to follow where their passions lead them. But one of the things homeschoolers don’t really talk about is what happens when our kids’ passions don’t seem to be leading them anywhere in particular. How do you embrace interest-led learning when your child doesn’t seem interested in learning, well, anything? Or when your child is constantly interested in new things — but the minute she hits a roadblock, she’s happy to give up her passion for something easier? What makes some kids ready to leap into the pursuit of knowledge and others hang back on the sidelines?
First off, it’s important to know that life learners aren’t born — they’re made. “Most kids are born with plenty of curiosity, but learning how to take that curiosity and apply it to the process of learning is something that gets developed over time,” says Ian Leslie, author of the book Curious: The Desire to Know and Why Your Future Depends on It. And while some kids are born with a natural stick-to-it-ness, most of us learn follow-through by doing it over and over, much the same way you develop muscles.
And the key to developing curiosity muscles seems to lie in having the freedom to explore what you want to explore. “When we first started homeschooling, I tried to get my daughter excited about bugs, about the Civil War, about rocks,” says Anne*, who’s been homeschooling her 11-year-old daughter for three years. “I’d bring home all this stuff from the library and look up all this stuff online, and she just wasn’t interested in any of it. I’d had this vision of us cheerfully studying all these things together as homeschoolers, and I felt like I was failing.”
Then Anne happened to overhear her then-9-year-old daughter playing in her room one afternoon, reciting poetry to one of her dolls. It turned out her daughter was passionate about writing poetry, and as soon as Anne stepped back and let her daughter’s interest lead the way, independent learning bloomed in the Carver house.
“It’s hard to take that step back when your kids haven’t expressed a clear interest in something, but sometimes that’s what they need to find their passion,” Anne says.
Some kids have a clear passion from birth: My friend’s daughter’s birding adventures started before kindergarten, and now that she’s in high school, she leads birding walks in the local parks and even teaches a birding class to little kids at her homeschool co-op. Other kids find passions everywhere — one year, they’re hooked on martial arts; the next, they’re performing in community theater; then, they shift gears and become amateur astronomers. Their interests may change over time, but their passionate pursuit of them is a constant. Other kids, though, may need a little more time and space to find their passions.
That’s not a sign that your child isn’t cut out to be an independent learner, it’s just a sign that he needs space to discover what he cares about. Give it to him by making your home a space that fosters curiosity. Make a point of filling your bookshelves with a mix of interesting fiction and non-fiction books, and grab titles just because they look interesting for your library basket. Ask questions — and be genuine about it; your child will know if you’re just pretending to wonder something or if you’re asking out of genuine curiosity. Encourage your child to help you think of ideas to consider what the answer might be, then figure out how to find out together. Try to relax rules wherever you can to encourage creative exploration — fascinatingly, a 2011 study published in the Journal of Creative Behavior found that kids who were considered to be in the most creative five-percent of their class lived in homes where there was an average of fewer than one rules — such as homework time or screen time limits — while their less creative peers had an average of six such rules they had to follow. The key isn’t to push your child in a particular direction but to give her a space where she has plenty of room to discover what her passion is.
Finding that passion really is the key to self- directed learning, says Deborah Stipek, Ph.D, dean of Stanford University’s School of Education and the author of Motivated Minds: Raising Children to Love Learning. Children are motivated to learn about what interests them, so tapping into your child’s unique fascinations is the key to sparking life-long learning, Stipek says.
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Once your children have found the ideas that spark for them, your job becomes creating a space where they can explore those ideas in meaningful ways. “That’s our job as parents: Children point the way, and we help them clear the path,” says Raymond Wlodkawski, Ph.D., author of Creating Highly Motivating Classrooms for All Students. As homeschoolers, we’re tempted to turn every passion into a unit study — but while that can be a fun way to explore a topic, the whole point of self-directed learning is for kids to figure out how they can pursue a topic on their own. Helping kids clear the path to exploring their passions requires a careful combination of independence and support.
Set the right example. If you want your children to develop into life learners, you’ve got to become a life learner yourself. For some of us, this revelation is delightful — finally, a legitimate excuse to learn to knit/study astronomy/obsess over Stuart monarchs. For others, it can feel a little intimidating, especially if we’ve grown up in a world that values filling-in-the-blanks over creative exploration. Either way, the key is to think about how you’d like kids to harness their creativity and start doing that in your own life. Start your own library list, and tell them about it — “I put some books about gardening on the hold list because I’m thinking it might be fun to start a container garden.” Let them know how you’re pursuing your own projects: “I’m about to watch this YouTube video about hand-lettering that seems really cool — want to watch it with me?” or “I’ve never done this kind of weaving before, and my fingers are having trouble adjusting — how do you think it’s looking?” You’re not just modeling the tools to translate curiosity into learning — you’re also showing your kids that you value the process of self-directed learning enough to do it yourself.
Gradually shift responsibility. Most of us aren’t born knowing how to start, work through, and complete a project — we learn to do it, and kids may need a lot of guidance getting started with independent learning. You don’t have to sit back and do nothing during the early stages of project- based learning. It’s okay to set simple tasks and help your child follow through on them — “Let’s check out this video on soap carving and see if there are any tips to help with getting started” or “I saw this book on bees at the library, so I grabbed it — let’s check and see if it explains how the hive is built.” As your child learns what tools to use, you can redirect responsibility back to him: “Hmmm, good question — where do you think we could find the answer?” Eventually, your proctor role will become more and more removed from your child’s investigations, but a little hand-holding as your child develops motivation and follow-through skills can be essential.
Introduce new skills as needed. Sometimes your child’s interests will zoom ahead of the rest of her learning. For instance, your astronomy-obsessed daughter may lack the math foundation to understand astronomical orbits the way she wants to, or your son’s tennis passion keeps getting derailed because he wants to hang up his racket every time he loses a match. If you recognize that your child needs to develop a particular attitude, skill, or concept in order to succeed in his project, that’s wonderful news. When your child has the opportunity to learn something because she genuinely needs to know it to pursue an interest, the actual learning process is surprisingly easy. (I swear that my own child became a reader so that she could identify different Pokemon moves.)
Prepare for bumpy patches. Like most adults, kids can very enthusiastic about a new idea or a new subject but lose steam fast when things don’t come together as easily as they’d expected. (This can be especially true for kids who are transitioning into homeschooling from a more traditional school, where they didn’t have the freedom to explore topics independently.) Their enthusiasm wanes in direct proportion to their frustration. Some kids naturally bounce back from roadblocks, ready to seek new solutions or try new things, but others can internalize the problems — “I’m too stupid to do this” — or project frustrations onto their subject — “math is just dumb.” Sometimes frustration is a signal that it’s time to move on, and there’s nothing to gain from forcing a kid to follow her passion when she’s clearly not inspired by it at the moment. Often, though, this frustration can be overcome, and stepping in to help problem-solve can help your child over the hump. (Just keep in mind that you’re a brainstorming collaborator, not a teacher telling your child what to do next — make suggestions, but follow her lead.) The benefits to getting past a roadblock can be huge. Successfully overcoming challenges and failures to finish a project not only makes kids proud of their work, it also increases the likelihood that they’ll work to follow through on future projects. “It’s true that you’re more likely to want to do something that you think you’re good at, but overcoming challenges on your own is actually more motivating than just being naturally good at something,” says Stipek.
Look for opportunities for independence. Intellectual independence is a major component for successful self-directed learning, but kids often need other kinds of independence, too. If you gradually increase your child’s responsibility — letting him grab groceries from another aisle in the supermarket, making him responsible for getting his own lunches, allowing him to set up a movie date with a group of friends — that independence will start to bloom in his learning adventures, too.
Don’t make the mistake of needing to show off your child’s learning. It’s tempting to want to share your children’s accomplishments, but resist the urge to ask them to display their knowledge just for the sake of displaying it. (“Tell Grandma about how the Vikings discovered North America, honey.”) Instead, ask your child a meaningful question or wait for him to bring up the subjects that interest him. “It’s much better to engage your child in an active inquiry than to ask him to spit out routine knowledge,” says Lucy Calkins, Ph.D., professor of curriculum and teaching at Columbia University’s Teachers College.
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And what about Jen and Dylan, the family we met at the beginning of this article? Well, Dylan, now 13, never fell in love with project-based homeschooling, but he did discover a passion for computer coding after his grandparents bought him a Kano kit. “He’s writing code to create digital flashcards for his spelling words and writing a script for a video game he wants to create,” says Jen. “His passion didn’t end up looking the way I thought it would, but he definitely found it. And I think I can take a little credit for trying to create an environment that made that possible for him.”
*last names removed for online publication
