How to Be More in the Moment in Your Homeschool
Get out of your head and into the joy of your everyday homeschool experiences. Here’s why embracing the magic of the moment can change your homeschool for the better — and how you can do it, one moment at a time.
Chances are, you’re thinking about something else right now.
It’s kind of hard not to. Homeschooling is one of those projects that depends on multitasking. You may be measuring the pH level of red cabbage or tracing a map of a medieval village, but you’re probably also listening out for the clothes dryer or waiting for an email or trying to figure out how to turn the odds and ends currently in your fridge into dinner so you don’t have to squeeze in a grocery store run. Most of us, most of the time, are probably thinking about something other than what we’re doing at any given moment.
People talk a lot about enjoying the moment, but it turns out that being in the moment is a skill we have to acquire — not something that comes naturally for most of us. It seems like it should be easy to get lost in what we’re doing at a given moment, but our brains aren’t really wired that way.
One of the distinguishing features of human consciousness is our ability to do one thing while thinking about something else. Being able to anticipate the future — whether we’re doing it consciously or unconsciously — is a benefit of our big brains, and often, this ability really is a benefit. When we’re making plans or looking forward to something we’re excited about, we may actually feel happier and less stressed than when we’re engaged in routine activities. And remembering is a plus, too: Catching a glimpse of a family vacation photo or hearing a song that reminds us of a great road trip can make us instantly connected to past happiness. That’s the upside. Any homeschool mom who has ever been up at 3 a.m. replaying something another mom said at park day or worrying about her son’s math skills never developing can tell you the downside: Our ability to look beyond the present moment can also equal worry and rumination. It can also keep us from really connecting to everyday moments. If we’re worrying about what’s next and fretting over what has been, how can we reorient ourselves to be present in what actually is?
“Everyone agrees it’s important to live in the moment but the problem is how — when people are not in the moment, they’re not there to know they aren’t there,” says Ellen Langer, a professor of psychology at Harvard University and the author of Mindfulness.
Being in the moment — also called mindfulness — is, at its most basic is just being present in what’s happening around you. It has two essential parts: Being there requires you to focus on the actual experience you’re having, without being distracted about what you’ll do next or what might be going on somewhere else, and it also necessitates open, nonjudgmental acceptance of whatever is happening. In other words, mindfulness is being there and being okay with being there — which, for parents, means ignoring those critical thoughts about your parenting choices (Maybe this whole homeschool project is really a big mistake) or frustration at your child’s choices (Why is he standing right in that mud puddle in his brand- new sneakers?).
This is easier said than done, especially for homeschool parents who are usually juggling a never-ending to-do list of projects and worries. You may be enjoying exploding that baking soda volcano in the backyard, but if you’re like most of us, you’re also mentally organizing the post-eruption clean-up, trying to remember what you’ve got on hand for lunch, and wondering if that co-op teacher responded to your email about the age requirement for her medieval history class. Maybe you’re also worrying because your sixth grader sulked and grumbled his way through math practice this morning, even though he’s already way behind where his public school peers are in math and really needs the practice. If you were in the moment, you think — pulling yourself even further out of the moment — you’d be enjoying all the volcanic fun, but instead, you’re only part there. The rest of you is somewhere else.
“We live in a world that contributes in a major way to mental fragmentation, disintegration, distraction, and decoherence,” says B. Allan Wallace, a Buddhist scholar. Buddhists call this permanently scattered mental state that so many people tend to live in “monkey mind,” referencing its ability to swing from thought to thought without settling in any single spot. Being in the moment asks you to change this and be where you are — which means accepting all the less-than-great things about where you are without letting yourself get caught up in them. This doesn’t mean you have to like everything that’s happening: You can be a perfectly mindful person and still not love it that your middle schooler is refusing to do math. You can be a mindfulness adherent and still be bored playing your 2,000-th game of Stack the States or listening to your child explain his Minecraft project in micro details over a 45-minute traffic jam. People often think mindfulness means being happy in every single moment, and while that might be a lovely dream, there are plenty of unlovely moments in everyday life.
“Taking care of children all day can be emotionally, cognitively, and psychologically exhausting, and it’s really problematic that parents aren’t more honest about that,” says Claire Lister, a New York City-based psychologist. “Sometimes, you’re going to zone out. Sometimes, you’re going to think about the other things you need to do next. Sometimes, you’re going to be in the moment and be bored out of your mind. It’s great to be present, and I think you’re usually happier when you are, but expecting yourself to be fully present and totally delighted every single minute of parenting is likely to be a recipe for failure.”
What keeps you in the moment in those situations where you’re not basking in the glow of a moment’s perfect joy is recognizing and accepting what’s actually happening instead of immediately jumping into anger, blaming yourself, or trying to problem-solve for the future. Being in the moment is an active, open, intentional process — and it’s one that comes with a host of benefits for you.
“When people are in the mindful, they are more likely to experience themselves as a part of humanity, as part of a greater universe,” says Michael Kernis, a psychologist at the University of Georgia. “The line between self and other gets blurred in a way that’s conducive to growing strong, healthy relationships and self confidence.”
Blurring this line is surprisingly positive in all kinds of unexpected ways. For starters, it makes you more empathetic, which can be a big plus during those middle school math stand-offs. It may make it easier for you to see your child’s perspective and to feel more connected to her needs and interests. Even better, it helps you take your ego out of potentially emotional situations so that you’re less likely to link your self-esteem to events — like your kid’s academic success or how well she enjoys homeschooling on a given Thursday — and more likely to take things at face value. Ultimately, this kind of perspective can make you less aggressive, defensive, and reactive and more understanding and accepting — of yourself and of other people, says Kernis.
Learning how to be more in the moment can also help alleviate one of the plagues of homeschool life: that constant second-guessing we always seem to be doing about everything from whether homeschooling is the best choice for your child to whether you should have spent that $500 on science supplies. “Being present minded takes away some of that self evaluation and getting lost in your own mind—and in your mind is where you make the evaluations that beat yourself up,” says Stephen Schueller, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania. Learning how to be in the moment can reduce the overthinking that drives us to doubt our confidence and be our own worst critics. When you’re able to focus your attention on the moment, you’re better able to stop problematic catastrophizing (worrying about the future) and rumination (worrying about the past) — in the moment, definitely, but also later, when you’re back in everyday multitasking mode.
Mindfulness also seems to have physiological benefits, though it’s an area that hasn’t historically been the focus of rigorous scientific research. Still, the existing studies suggest that people who practice being in the moment, even with minimal practices like five minutes of daily meditation, report reduced stress, better immune system functioning, lower blood pressure, and even reductions in chronic pain. These small benefits may lead to bigger ones — reduced risk for high blood pressure and other chronic health problems, as well as sometimes significantly reduced depression and anxiety symptoms.
These benefits aren’t just for you either. Parents who practice mindfulness are more likely to have kids who can enjoy being in the moment, which can do a lot to mitigate some of the bigger emotional challenges of childhood and adolescence. If it feels selfish to focus on your own well- being, remember that your wellbeing when it comes to mindfulness has a direct, positive benefit for the rest of your family, too.
* * *
Mindfulness isn’t really complicated, though we often try to make it that way. “People set the goal of being mindful for the next 20 minutes or the next two weeks, and they end up thinking mindfulness is difficult because they are using the wrong yardstick,” says Jay Winner, author of the book Take the Stress Out of Your Life. The only way to measure mindfulness, Winner says, is one moment at a time, which means every moment is an opportunity to practice mindfulness. There’s no magical way to learn to be in the moment, but these tips can help you start incorporating mindfulness into your regular routine.
Practice in happy sensory moments. Ultimately, you want mindfulness to be a part of your whole life, but if you are struggling with getting started, happy sensory moments — eating your favorite dessert, taking a bath, stepping out into the sunshine — make for good mindfulness practice.
“The easiest way to start being in the moment is with a physical sensation that makes you happy,” says Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness and a psychologist at the University of California at Riverside. Concentrate on one specific sensation—revel in it, and savor it — and you’ll find that being in the moment feels easier than you might have thought.
Let yourself relax about messes — at least sometimes. That baking soda volcano may cause a clean-up emergency in your yard, but homeschooling in general can be a messy project. Even if you’re not making oobleck or glittering up your homework, being a hands-on homeschooler will often mean that your dining room table is buried under books, your breakfast dishes are still stacked in the sink at lunchtime, and your family room is full of the clutter of everyone’s projects and activities.
To be mindful, you have to let go of thinking about clean-up while things are happening. You’ll still have to dust-bust the piles of glitter or load the dishwasher later, whether you’re thinking about it now or not, so give yourself permission to deal with the mess when it’s actually time to deal with the mess instead of proactively planning your tidying. Obviously you may not be able to do this every time there’s a mess in the making — that’s okay. But letting go of that kind of forward-thinking future planning even sometimes can really help you be more in the moment.
Cultivate a mindfulness habit. If mindfulness doesn’t come naturally to you, finding ways to encourage it can help you integrate more moments into your routine. One strategy that works well for some people is keeping a memorable moments journal and making a point to write in it for a few minutes every evening. (You don’t want to write in it — or even think about writing it — during the rest of the day since that can pull you right out of the moment.) Knowing that you’ll be looking for information to write about at night can subtly encourage you to pay more attention to moments as they are happening. This doesn’t work for everyone, but if you’re struggling with everyday mindfulness, this is a trick worth trying.
Press the pause button before acting. Homeschool parents can develop a tendency to jump right in when kids are struggling with an assignment, unsure at the playground, or otherwise experiencing a moment of uncertainty. But being in hover mode can make mindfulness impossible — that state of perpetual readiness it requires is the opposite of the nonjudgmental attention to the present moment. Practice giving your children space to explore and problem-solve on their own.
As a bonus, reducing parental steering has mindful benefits for both you and your child — solving problems on your own boosts mindfulness, decision-making, problem- solving, and self control.
Let go of the myth of “quality time.” Parents have a tendency to value special, focused time — a trip to the nature center, a family picnic — over everyday life moments, like trying to find a parking space at the karate center or folding the clean laundry. But all time has the potential to be quality time.
“My son is in college now, but his favorite memory of homeschooling is cleaning up before school started in the morning — we’d turn up the music and do a one-song clean-up session as fast as we could,” says Naomi Vincent, who homeschooled her son from 4th to 8th grade. “I planned a lot of field trips and special activities, so I was surprised that silly ritual, which was really just about trying to keep the dining room from becoming a disaster area, was his happiest homeschool memory.”
Don’t schedule away your down time. It’s tempting to do a grocery run during ballet lessons or to answer email while you’re waiting in the co-op parking lot, but this perpetual busy-ness doesn’t leave much space for mindfulness. Sometimes you may really need that gallon of milk, but when you don’t, bring a book and settle in under a shady tree or find a cozy spot to knit a few rows. This kind of slowing down won’t come naturally at first if you’re not used to it, but you’ll find it makes a big difference.
Similarly, don’t always save time just because you can. If it takes you an extra 15 minutes to walk to soccer practice instead of driving, take the walk occasionally. Bring a deck of cards to the library and play a quiet hand of spades before you leave. Stop and have your coffee at the shop instead of zipping through the drive-through. Leave more openings in your schedule for experiences.
Accept that there will be bad moments. Homeschooling is full of great moments, but homeschooling — and parenting and pretty much all of life — has its share of not-so-wonderful moments, too. Mindfulness is not going to magically make those moments go away, but mindfulness can help you through the rough moments just as it can enhance your enjoyment of the good ones.
Ideally, being in the moment lets you approach challenging moments with your kids with more empathy and understanding — you see that your third grader refuses to read because he needs to move around in a way that’s not conducive to long reading sessions or that your first grader’s tantrum is a way of testing his limits. But it’s also great if the effect of mindfulness is simply that you can accept when a bad moment is happening and not take it personally or feel like it’s your problem to solve immediately.
Make mindfulness part of your routine with these tips from other homeschool families who have discovered ways to be more in the moment.
Shake Up the Routine
Homeschools run on routine, and most of us would be lost without our everyday rhythm. That’s why the very occasional disruption of that routine can be one of the most effective ways to get you out of your head and into the moment.
Throw a surprise shake-up. A few times a year, let the gang get about ten minutes into your regular morning routine — then announce that it’s ice cream — or swimming pool or ice skating — time. The unexpected momentum shift will kick your homeschool energy into higher gear. (A version of this can also be fun for bedtime.)
Make time for mystery trips. Whether it’s a weekend in the mountains or an afternoon at the zoo, the fun of a mystery getaway is not knowing where you’re going. Help your kids dress appropriately and let them know if they need to pack a bag, but don’t tell them anything else — the anticipation is what makes a mystery trip so fun.
Shake up someone else’s day. The only thing more inspiring than giving your own routine a little jump is inspiring someone else’s day. Bake cookies to leave surprises for your neighbors, bring flowers to your favorite supermarket clerk, or stop by a senior center for a singalong. Doing something nice for other people will help you enjoy the moment yourself.
Put Adventure on Your To-Do List
It’s easy to slip into a rut, so build your own momentum by keeping fun on your radar.
Update your calendar every season with the activities you don’t want to miss: planting a veggie garden or taking a waterfall hike in the spring, visiting a pumpkin farm or navigating a corn maze in the fall, or finding a new swimming hole or painting a new fence mural in the summer. Scheduling spontaneous fun may seem weird at first, but getting the fun on your calendar is the first step to actually having it.
Keep a choose-your-own-fun box, and fill it with cards describing possible activities. Have one color card for free or cheap activities (like a picnic in the park or a hike on a nearby trail), another color for activities that require a little more cash (museum visits or favorite eateries), and a third color for splurges, like a trip to an amusement park or a camping weekend. When you have free time to spare, choose a card that suits your time and budget and head out on an adventure.
Celebrate the Little Things
Don’t save all your celebrations for a couple of annual events. Make moments all year long by scheduling low-pressure celebrations.
Look for silly excuses to celebrate, like Star Wars Day (May 4), Lost Sock Memorial Day (May 9), or National Doughnut Day (June 1). There’s no hype or stress surrounding these low-key holidays, and you can invent your own ways to celebrate them, from all-out party time, complete with costumes and props, to laid-back movie nights.
Schedule fun studies periodically. In our house, we call them DEAPs — Drop Everything and Play — and we pull them out when we feel like learning has become a bit of a grind and we want something new. A DEAP might be a new art curriculum or a complicated Lego kit; it might be a board game, a unit study, or a creative writing project. The idea is to have a built-in burst of fun to get you through the inevitable times when homeschooling starts to drag.
Have a birthday party for your favorite writer. ReadWriteThink maintains a great list of beloved kid’s lit authors’ birthdays, and you can set aside a day to read your favorite book, bake a cake, and sing an enthusiastic happy birthday to an author whose work you love.
Make a ritual of one everyday meal. Maybe it’s setting the table and lighting the candles for dinner or opening the window and pouring juice for breakfast — whatever meal you choose, establish a pattern that you follow every single day.
Have a Plan to Deal with Stress
Being in the moment can be the hardest when you’ve got big worries to deal with — when you’re confronted with a major life stress, like changing jobs, moving, unemployment, health problems, or relationship problems. Getting stuck in worry is totally normal — you’d be superhuman to get through a really big life upheaval without stress, but you can still find moments of peace by focusing.
Start with your breathing. People always say this — if you slow down and just focus on your breathing, clearing your mind of everything else, you’ll feel more centered and in the moment — but they always say it because it’s actually true. Take five minutes, and just breathe.
Single-task the little things. Resist the urge to listen to a podcast while you do the dishes or to respond to email when you’re eating lunch. Instead, use these pockets of time to be fully in the moment, focusing on the sights, smells, sounds, and sensations of the single thing you’re doing.
Make the Most of “Wasted Time”
Most homeschoolers spend plenty of time between the good stuff, whether you’re driving to and from lessons or squeezing in a load of laundry. Obviously every single one of these moments can’t be a profound experience, but there’s no reason some of them can’t.
Park farther away. Sure, a close spot is convenient, but parking farther from your destination gives you space to shake off the drive, connect with your kids, and refocus on what you’re about to do.
Do it together. Probably things like making dinner, sorting clothes for the laundry, or staking the tomato plants will take a little longer if you get your kids involved, but involving someone else in the process will automatically make you slow down and focus more on what you’re doing.
Let Housework Be Your Inspiration, Not Your Nemesis
You’re always going to have housework to do. Some people can find mindfulness in rituals like folding laundry or scrubbing toilets, but if housework just feels like, well, work, try adding a dash of fun to your chores.
Make it a party. Whether it’s a laundry-sorting mock-snowball fight, where you pile all the dirty laundry on your beds and sort it by throwing it into the correct hamper, or a sweeping and mopping dance party, making your everyday chores an excuse to play together can pull you all right into the moment.
Start a friendly competition. If there’s an everyday job you hate, turn it into a competition. Time how long it takes everyone to work together to wash the dishes or fold the laundry, and make a point of trying to beat your best time. (Make it clear that smashed plates and crumpled-up T-shirts don’t count as finishing the job!) Keep your family’s best time posted prominently, and you may find that racing the clock makes that dreaded chore zip by.
Employ a little logic. When you’re tackling a big mess — cleaning up the playroom or a big day of lawn work — up the ante by putting together a mystery for your family to solve: Borrow or concoct a logic puzzle, and break it into pieces that you hide in ziplock bags around your work site. As kids clean, they find clues to help them put together the answer. Not a logic puzzle fan? Try a scavenger hunt instead.
